The beauty of Non-Violent Communication (NVC) is that there is very little new information to actually learn – it’s much more about practicing using these very simple communication methods. This is also true of learning Emotional Intelligence skills. The information itself is really quite easy! The challenge is that most of us operate in our lives on automatic. To actually apply the very simple yet very profound methods of NVC and EI does require that we slow ourselves down, question our first emotional and thought processes, challenge them; and compare what we automatically think, feel, and experience to what we’ve learned in NVC and/or EI training. THAT IS ALL THAT IS NECESSARY TO MAKE POSITIVE CHANGES! However, being THAT self-aware is alot easier with PRACTICE and support from others who are striving for the same improvements and also practicing these skills.
Before I continue with this article, I want to make it clear that there is ENORMOUSLY GOOD NEWS here! We all have the tools available to us to CHOOSE to IMPROVE our ability to:
1. Reality-test our thoughts
2. Recognize that our brains lie to us frequently and our thoughts may be distorted or simply mistaken (very strong emotions do lower our IQ while we have them)
3. Recognize that our thoughts directly affect our emotions, just as our emotions directly affect our thoughts
4. Improve our ability to check in with ourselves and observe what we feel in response to anything or anyone
5. Learn how our feelings are directly connected to our needs and learn to identify and express both our feelings and our needs
6. Learn what feelings and needs really are–and what they are not
7. “Work-out” our emotional, thinking, and communication skills – much like working out in a gym – except this is done in practice groups, with a coach, or with a trusted friend–and then the skills are practiced in REAL LIFE with REAL PEOPLE (who may or may not be working on improving these extremely important skills)
8, Improve the External Skills of communicating all of these INNER SKILLS as well as we possibly can: using our sound conflict resolution skills, using our Emotional Intelligence learning, and using our NVC skills.
9. All three of these help us develop both the INTERNAL Emotional and thinking MUSCLES and SKILLS and the EXTERNAL communication MUSCLES and SKILLS of being able to communicate those feelings, needs, requests, and responses to others.
10. NVC teaches us that there are 10,000 ways to get our needs met; if we are not currently getting our needs met we can easily learn new, healthier ways to get them met whether the needs have to do with relationships, the workplace, our families, our friends, our health, parenting, nutrition, fun–whatever!
It is also important to make clear that there are many many men and women in the world who are wonderfully healthy relationship partners who value integrity, trust, mutuality, consideration, communication, sexual expression, joy, humor, balance, harmony, empathy, dignity, partnership, friendship, and love. Most of these people became this way by looking inward and choosing to consciously do actual emotional and psychological work on themselves in the many ways that are possible–or they may have been lucky enough to have families and/or mentors who taught them these skills and values by example and how to live them demonstrably.
Unfortunately, most people do not come from families where these values and skills are taught by example. This is not necessarily anyone’s “fault”. Humans have evolved over time and continue to evolve. Most families unwittingly teach very unhealthy ways of handling conflict and expressing emotion because these skills are learned by example and passed down from generation to generation. The only way there is change and improvement is when individuals themselves or families as a group consciously CHOOSE to make changes. These changes can be anything from addressing alcoholism or drug abuse to parenting children differently to learning to identify, process, and express emotions in new and improved ways that have better results.
It is up to every single individual to choose how they will be in every single moment. Will you explode in anger and rage as you’ve always done or will you make it a priority to learn new skills, whether it is Emotional Intelligence development or Non-Violent Communication (NVC) or sound conflict resolution methods? We know that CHANGE is not something that happens immediately when it comes to human behavior. Things like not biting your nails anymore, not gossiping, not eating junk food, or exercising more are hard habits to change. Our emotional muscles and skills have been developed and “programmed” to be whatever they are in this present moment by all the “training” (upbringing, environment, what we’ve sought to learn, etc) we have had in our lives thus far. Often, we have to be willing to unlearn old thinking and behaviors that no longer serve us, while we simultaneously choose to learn new thinking and behaviors that do serve us.
If we want our emotional, communication, and conflict skills to be different, there is work to do. This will require more commitment, practice, and presence of mind to change our emotional programming and responses than the other habits I just mentioned above. This is because our Emotional Intelligence is a very real skill-set that is comprised of both our emotions and our thoughts. They influence each other enormously and simultaneously. We must recognize this if we are going to improve. So, we must be willing to be very conscious of both our emotional programming and our thought processes while also being willing to understand how we might improve both.
It’s optimal to have a clear mind for this work, so if you’re not sober, it’s wise to get sober before you’ll be in a condition to have the self-awareness necessary to do this kind of self-improvement work.
Start where you are. Accept where you are. Then go from there. There are some very simple questions to begin with:
1. Am I pleased with my current emotional skills?
2. Am I pleased with how I treat myself?
3. Am I pleased with how I treat others?
4. Am I pleased with the emotional skills of the people in my life?
5. Do I recognize my feelings when I have them, and am I able to communicate those well?
6. Do I know what my “core needs” are?
7. Are my core needs getting met?
8. Are my needs getting met in ways that do not prevent anyone else’s needs from getting met? Is this my intention? Do I need to make any adjustments to make this so?
9. Have I harmed anyone with my emotional responses, thought processes, or in the ways in which I have chosen to get my needs met? Do I need to make any adjustments because of this?
10. Do I want to improve my emotional skills, thought processes, and communication skills?
These are important questions for men and women to think about and answer honestly. You can do this alone or with a trusted friend or partner. Again, the REALLY GREAT NEWS is that we can all significantly improve all of this by simply learning and practicing Non-Violent Communication (NVC) and/or by measuring and working on our Emotional Intelligence with a certified coach, therapist, EI practitioner, NVC practice group, or Certified NVC trainer.
The Power and Control Wheel is a tool used to examine and assess the health of intimate and dating relationships. When there is too much power and control assumed by one person in an intimate relationship, this dynamic is often defined as an abusive relationship–depending upon how this power and control is assumed, enforced, or taken. In future posts, I will examine how the Power and Control Wheel can also be applied to family relationships, non-intimate friendships, and even to workplace relationships.
All human relationships have issues of power and control that exist at all times, and there is nothing inherently wrong with this. It is simply a fact. The way the relationship participants consciously and unconsciously understand, think about, experience, feel about, and act upon the power and control dynamics between them will determine whether there is unhealthy power and control over the other or whether there is healthy power and control mutually shared, assertively discussed, mutually agreed upon, and honestly enacted without decpetion or violations of trust over the course of the relationship.
Of course, the extent that any relationship includes healthy or unhealthy power and control dynamics occurs on a spectrum; however it is very important for relationship participants to consciously and clearly understand where their relationships exist on this spectrum of health regarding power and control, as this issue will affect one’s own emotional, psychological and physical health as well as those of any children involved. These issues will also inevitably affect one’s worklife, friendships, relationships with family, and financial situation; so these are extremely important issues for everyone to have awareness of regarding their relationships and how they exist in and experience them.
It is imporant to now address the widespread use of any “technique” described in the many instructional books, websites, dvds, cds, e-books, and newsletters for men from the “Seduction”, “Game”, or “Pick-Up Artist” communities, whose sole purpose is to instruct men in how to get their sexual and other needs met by women via manipulation, deception, trickery, misuse of NLP and/or misuse of hypnosis techniques, and the use of the abusive tactics on the power and control wheel to follow. These techniques are ABUSIVE.
And here is a VERY IMPORTANT PIECE OF INFORMATION for ALL PUAs, Gamers, Seducers, and any men who feel confused about how to relate to women:
The only thing you need to know is that you must treat women with the same respect, honesty, and consideration you would expect to be treated with. THAT IS IT!!!
There are no secrets, and you don’t need to learn a whole language and spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on PUA courses and weekends. And you don’t have to learn stupid magic tricks, talk about wallabies, or wear ridiculous clothing.
If you don’t like yourself very much or don’t believe you deserve much respect, then you need some help before you date any women. That is another story. However, I implore you to spend about $250 on an NVC weekend or 9-week course with a Certified NVC trainer or find an Emotional Intelligence Coach for much less money than PUA, Game, and Seduction will cost you. The truth about dating and relating is not as complex as they would like you to believe. They are just trying to make as much money as possible teaching falsehoods that do great harm to both men and women.
There are an alarming number of these instructional materials for sale on the internet. Imagine what a better world it would be if these misguided men sought out NVC training, Emotional Intelligence skill-building, and recognized the violence they commit with each of these “seduction”, “game”, and “pick up” actions! Imagine what a safer and happier world it would be if these men instead joined any of the many men’s groups that actively learn about and work towards stopping violence against women, men, and children. Imagine if these men understood the violence they do to themsleves in choosing this course of action. One can only wonder: do these men have sisters, mothers, female cousins, neices or daughters, for whom they experience love, concern, and respect?
Here are some important definitions from the Power and Control Wheel that explain how power and control are often used by one partner against another partner on a recurring basis; which is the definition of any kind of relationship abuse whether it is emotional abuse, psychological abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, or some combination of all four of these at different times. This also applies to casual dating and especially applies to those men in the “Game”, “Pick Up Artist” (PUA), or “Seduction” communities. The men who use these techniques are unequivocally engaging in abusive, violent behavior against women.
Intimidation: Any physical action taken or omitted which invokes a fear of negative consequences. (This can include punching an object when frustrated or angry).
Physical Abuse: Any unwanted physical contact, especially that which may cause fear, pain, or injury whether done directly or indirectly. Any contact, statements, or actions which are intended to cause or result in physical, emotional, psychological, or sexual injury to another person. Refusing to use a condom to protect against STDs and saying “My ex-girlfriend used to let me have sex with her without a condom”. Drugging a woman without her knowledge or consent.
Threats: Statements which promise negative consequences for certain behaviors or actions. For example, “If you don’t give it to me, I’ll get it somewhere else”. or “If you don’t have sex with me, you’ll be sorry”.
Coercion: Statements or actions which imply, indirectly, negative or positive consequences for a certain behavior or action. For example, if you state your opinion or ask a question and you are responded to with unexpected rage and/or belittling. Trying to persuade her to have a threesome or trying to get her drunk or to take drugs so her defenses and judgment will be impaired and then trying to persuade her to have a threesome or engage in some other sexual act she would not agree to if she were not drunk, drugged, pressured or all three. Pressuring her frequently to do things she does not want to do whether it is sexual, drug-related, degrading, or doing anything she does not want to do. Asking her to do tasks for you as though she were your servant (whether you reward her for these or not), but not being willing to do such tasks for her.
Emotional abuse: Any statements, actions or lack of action, which is intended to or results in a partner experiencing any emotional or psychological injury. “That statement you made is absolutely ridiculous! You’re a know-it-all!”; “I refuse to discuss this at all”. Also, when someone is angry and makes this clear by becoming withdrawn and silent but also chooses not to communicate why to his partner, knowing that his partner becomes afraid, anxious, or upset when he does this and knowing that if he chose to calmly express his feelings to his partner, that she would listen and do her best to be fair and empathic. The PUA community uses the term, “Neg”, which is an intentional put-down of a woman with the intention of harming and lowering her self-esteem; this misguided “technique” intends to manipulate the woman into either defending herself and drawing her into conversation or debate with the PUA or lowering her self-esteem so much that she might see him as an acceptable date. This is abusive and manipulative.
Obfuscation: Any action of obscuring, concealing or changing people’s perceptions, which results in your advantage and/or her disadvantage. “I’m not going to tell you what happened; it’s none of your business” “Yes, I’ll meet your sexual needs, honey, I love you”–But then he does not do so over and over again. He “forgets” or “is too tired” but still expects her to meet his sexual needs and will specifically say what he wants her to give him sexually. “I told you I loved you, but I never specifically said we were exclusively only going to sleep with each other”. “When I slept with her, we were taking a short break from our relationship because I needed that break and decided we would take it, so you have no right to be hurt by that”. Simply not telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about something to your partner or date. Doing something in your relationship that your partner is unaware of–that you know your partner would not approve of or would be hurt by–and not admitting this honestly or not choosing not to do the hurtful thing.
Isolation: Any actions intended to result or actually resulting in her physical, psychological, emotional, or social disruption–or separation from those people, places or things she is attached to or enjoys. “Come on, stay here with me tonight instead of going out with your friends”. Another example: ignoring her suggestions and ideas for recreational activities she suggests you do together. Refusing to attend or regularly choosing not to attend activities she invites him to while she attends many of his recreational activities and suggestions. A lack of mutuality marks isolation. Imploring her to attend an event with him, while he refuses to attend social events with her friends or which she enjoys.
Economic abuse: Any action, which limits her ability to earn, have access to, or manage the economic resources in her life. Continually asking her to pay her share of something when he knows he owes her money for his share of something. Saying he will pay for birth control expenses or share in them but then never giving her the money. Agreeing to share household expenses but then rarely contributeing to or sharing them. Agreeing to share transportation expenses, but then “forgetting” to pay his share or just not contributing. Raging at her or otherwise abusing her so that she is so upset and harmed that she is late for work or misses days of work. Behaving abusively with her when he knows she has an important presentation or meeting at work the next day–or “forgetting” that she has an important work day, and behaving abusively by misusing power and control so that she is upset on these important days.
Using others or children: Any direct or indirect action involving children, other people, pets or social institutions used as leverage to gain advantage. Refusing to speak to her when she is around his family or friends, as punishment for something she said, didn’t say, did, or didn’t do that upset him instead of handling his emotions in a skilled, adult, healthy, respecful manner. Yelling at her, making a scene, or walking away from her in public to embarass her instead of expressing his emotions in a healthy, direct, calm, and respectful manner.
Male Privilege (privus = private; leg = law): Any action or inaction based on attitudes or beliefs that you have special or exalted status over others, particularly women. Him saying things like, “You defied me!” or “You said what you said at the wrong time; I was only asking a rhetorical question!” Asking her to do things for him and then not offering to do things for her; treating her like a servant. Only caring about how she can do things for him but not offering to help her with things he can do for her; or saying no to her requests for him to help her with things–or–saying yes to her requests for help, but “never getting around to” actually helping her. Making her his last priority while expecting her to make him her first priority; a lack of mutuality. Believing consciously or unconsciusly that his opinions, thoughts, values, ideas, concerns, perceptions, feelings and needs are more important than hers. Many men who behave in these ways will not acknowledge that they believe this and they may believe they do not believe this; but if they are saying things like, “You defied me!”; they reveal that they do, in fact, believe they have some kind of authority over whoever they’ve said that to.
Myths: Ill-founded beliefs held uncritically, especially by an interested group that benefits from such beliefs. The “Seduction”, “Game”, and “Pick-Up Artist” community is a perfect example of this. These misguided men view women as sexual objects to be exploited, used, deceived, tricked, lied to, and discarded. Instead of choosing to learn a simple 4-step healthy language like NVC or choosing to learn the 15 subscales of the EQi Emotional Intelligence assessment, they instead choose to learn an entire complex PUA (Pick Up Artist) “Game” language that is unhealthy for and abusive to themselves and others. These men have a library full of myths that erroneously deny the reality that both men and women have the very same kinds and amounts of feelings and needs, and that it is entirely possible for all to have their needs be met in ways that do not abuse others or deny others having their needs met.
Lack of Mutuality: He asks her to do things for him that he is not willing to do or does not offer to do for her. He may ask or expect her to change her schedule so they can spend time together, attend an event, or so she can help or support him with something; however, he will be unwilling to do the same for her. Again, lack of mutuality in the relationship. If she has good friends in town whom he has never met, he will not change his schedule. He will think nothing of asking her to help him organize his files or his apartment, but he will not offer to help her with something like this. If she knows he wants or needs something like stain remover or a lighted keychain or any other particular item; she will look for it and perhaps get it for him. If he knows she wants something that she has mentioned, it will not occur to him to look for this for her. Mutual consideration, acceptance, communciation, compassion, empathy, friendship, integrity, nurturing, partnership, respect, support, trust, dignity, choice, freedom, self-expression, awareness, growth, learning, participation, contribution, and understanding are MISSING from this relationship. One person is giving alot more of all or most of these things and of themselves, than the other person is giving.
In abusive relationships or dating situations, the metaphoric “face-punching” mentioned above need not be physical at all. It can be any of these:
Yelling
Cursing
Dominating
Coercing
Belittling
Sneering
Devaluing opinions, thoughts, ideas, preferences of the partner
Punishment for not complying with the abuser’s wishes
Raging
Refusing to listen to the partner’s needs, wants, or concerns
Pounding on objects to demonstrate threats
Threatening to harm or actually harming pets, property, or children
Giving the Silent Treatment
Slapping
Punching
Kicking
Choking
Demanding unwanted sexual activities
Lying
Deceiving and betraying trust and the agreed upon boundaries of the relationship
Cheating sexually and exposing the partner to sexually transmitted diseases
Violating trust and the boundaries of the relationship by engaging in inapprorpriate flirting with other women
leading other women to believe his is single and available when he is not
Tricking
Deceiving
Misleading
Misuse of NLP (neuro-linguistic programming techniques)
Misuse of hypnosis techniques
Deliberate use of Intermittent Reinforcement (defined below)
Humiliation and embarassment
Sexual Aggression: continuing to try something sexually with a woman even after she has said No to it
Date Rape
Refusing to wear a condom
Agreeing to wear a condom and then secretly not wearing a condom
Choosing not to tell a woman prior to sleeping with her about a sexually transmitted disease he has
Telling a woman he is not sleeping with anyone else, when in fact, he is, has, or plans to do so while also sleeping with her
Pressuring a woman into having a threesome
Attempting to coerce a woman into having a threesome
Drugging a woman without her knowledge or consent
Stabbing
Kicking
Threatening with violence
Stalking
Killing
What is very important to recognize about the list above is that the beliefs, thoughts, and feelings of men who abuse women in these ways are all the same regardless of which behavior an abuser chooses to use to in order to gain unhealthy abusive power and control over a woman. This does not necessarily mean that a man who is now a PUA will eventually definitely murder his partner or date.
What it does mean is that if he continues to live with these false beliefs about women and take actions that are harmful to himself (whether he realizes it or not) and to women, and if he does not choose to grow out of this chosen belief system and behavior by learning facts and developing healthier emotional intelligence, he could easily be capable of the more serious abuses listed above.
This is because he holds false and harmful beliefs about women which are conceptually the same as the beliefs Hitler held about Jews and the KKK holds about African-Americans. If you’ve ever watched the TV series Kung Fu, it is also the same hatred shown toward the main character because he is half Chinese. All group hatred is the same conceptually and is based in generalized untruths. Because the construct and false belief exists for the sole purpose of attempting to justify hatred, and hatred allows people to pretend that the group of people they hate:
A. Deserves hatred from others
B. Aren’t really people or humans
C. Have no feelings, needs, thoughts, ideas, or experiences that matter, that should concern anyone, or that have any value
D. Are somehow evil or responsible for the suffering, discomfort, anxiety, depression, or lack of happiness in the lives of those who are doing the hating
The PUA, Gamers, and Seduction communities are selling HATRED to justify their ABUSE-manuals and are making millions of dollars–while misguided men purchase these materials, use them and harm themselves and women in the process. This is reprehensible, vile, and dangerous.
When groups of people feel threatened by a another group of people that is somehow different from them, or when they are denied something they wrongly believe they are entitled to from this other group of people, they can find it easy to hate this group of people if they allow themselves to be taught falsehoods by others who are somehow charismatic, convincing, or persuasive. Hitler is an excellent example of this.
In the case of PUAs, Gamers, and Seducers, they want women to like them, to be sexually intimate with them, to have fun with them, and to spend time with them. If the women these men meet do not like them, want to be sexually intimate with them, want to have fun with them and want to spend time with them, the PUAs Gamers, and Seducers believe they are then entitled to use any method available to them–including unethical methods lacking in integrity, to trick, coerce, manipulate, obfuscate, and otherwise deceive women into doing those things with them. These men believe they have a right to get their needs met at the expense of the needs of the women whom they encounter.
Do the PUAs, Gamers, and Seducers have any regard for what the women want, feel, need, think, or experience? No. They only care about their needs, because they have allowed themsleves to be convinced that women are deserving of this trickery, women are responsible for their uncomfortable feelings or anxiety, and that any PUA, Game, or Seduction method they use is therefore justified.
It doesn’t occur to these men that they might want to simply make themsleves more appealing to women by getting to know different kinds of women and learning what these women might want in a man with whom they might spend time, have fun, and freely choose to be sexuallly intimate. It doesn’t occur to these men that if they would improve themselves as people; they would simply and naturally ATTRACT women to them rather than having to seduce, trick, game, deceive, or otherwise manipulate them.
Seduction, Game, and PUA methods are the modern-day equivalent of a caveman hitting a woman over the head with his club and then dragging her off to his cave so he can do whatever he wants to her. I say TO her, because she doesn’t have much choice in the matter if she is being tricked and deceived. If it was her own freely chosen decision, than she would be doing something WITH him. This is primitive, abusive, violent, and harmful to both men and women.
Modern man has a large brain capable of much more than this vile trickery. These men are doing exactly the opposite of NVC (non-violent communication): they are choosing to get their needs met at the expense of others’ needs. They have wrongly allowed themselves to be persuaded that this is justifiied and it is not.
NVC skills and Emotional Intelligence development don’t distinguish between men and women because these are skills that work for all HUMANS regardless of gender, as both genders are much more alike than they are different. These are simple communication skills that address the very same feelings and needs that all men and all women experience.
There are no NVC feelings and needs that men have but women don’t have and no NVC feelings and needs that women have that men don’t have. The same is true for EI skills and conflict resolution skills.
O.J. Simpson. Scott Peterson. Mike Tyson. Neil Strass, author of The Game, men in the PUA, Seduction, and Game communities–men who have abused their relationship and/or dating partners in various ways, and rappers (who devalue women in their lyrics)– all share the same erroneous beliefs–consciously and/or unconsciously: that women are less valuable than men, that women exist to serve and pleasure men, and that women’s feelings, needs, thoughts, opinions, ideas, and experiences are not as important or as valuable as those of men (or those of the male partner). THESE BELIEFS ARE TRAGICALLY MISTAKEN.
In NVC, we say that everyone can get their needs met without doing so at the expense of anyone else’s needs. In Emotional Intelligence, we seek to continually develop a core set of skills so that we operate optimally in as many interpersonal interactions as possible with respect for the feelings and needs of both ourselves and others. Mutuality in all things is a cornerstone of both NVC and EI.
I INVITE ALL MEN INVOLVED IN THE PUA, GAME, and SEDUCTION COMMUNITIES TO LEARN NVC AND EI, TO ABANDON THE PUA, GAME, AND SEDUCTION COMMUNITIES, TECHNIQUES, AND BELIEF SYSTEMS, AND TO JOIN A MEN’s GROUP SUCH AS http://www.menstoppingviolence.org/index.php or http://www.nomas.org/principles I also invite you to have one FREE coaching session with me, and I invite you to email me your thoughts and feelings about this post no matter what they are. I do want to know your feelings and thoughts in response to this article, even if you disagree–and especially if you disagree.
YOU CAN GET YOUR NEEDS MET IN MANY WAYS THAT ARE NOT AT SOMEONE ELSE’S EXPENSE!
In fact, in NVC, we say that there are 10,000 ways we can get our needs met. So, the very good news is that if we find oursevles in a situation in which we are not getting our needs met, or we find ourselves using strategies to attempt to get our needs met that aren’t working–there is very good news that there are still 9,999 other ways we can try to get our needs met–again in ways that do not deny anyone else from getting their needs met.
In NVC, we say that a request is a request; meaning the answer to the request can be a yes or a no. In Abusive Relationships (relationships in which one partner frequently uses some or many of the tactics above to maintian power and control OVER his partner instead of sharing power equally WITH his partner), frequently what happens is the abuser’s or PUA’s requests are NOT requests, but are DEMANDS. This is a problem as it is unhealthy. Because these are actually demands and not requests, the abuser will often have problematic angry responses towards his partner, designed to punish her for her non-compliance with his demand(s). This behavior is only one of many ways in which abusive men establish control in a relationship by using sublte forms of abusive behavior.
We also learn in NVC that a NO is actually a “YES To Something Else”. For example, if you are dating a woman for awhile and you would like to have sex, but she says, “No, I don’t know you well enough”, that is a NO. However, it may be a yes to sex in the future, when she feels comfortable and ready for sex with you. But, you don’t have to guess; you can simply communicate. You can simply ask her–or anyone–why they are saying NO to whatever your request is. Aren’t you curious? Don’t you want to know why the person said NO and what they might be willing to say YES to? There are an infinite number of reasons why someone might say no to something, and frankly, it may have little or nothing to do with you. Ask! Use your words. Communicate like an adult. If you have trouble communicating well like an adult; join the club! This is true for many people–which is why NVC, EI testing and coaching, and learning sound conflict resolution skills are extremely popular workplace and individual trainings right now. These are skills most of us did not learn growing up, but the great news is we can choose to learn and practice them NOW.
What we also notice in relationships like these is that the abuser/PUA isn’t particularly interested in or concerned with his partner’s requests. He may ignore them, say no to them frequently or all of the time–or he may verbally say yes to them, but then behaviorally say no to them by not doing them or by not being responsive to them. This will leave his partner confused, upset, hurt, angry, and which is also a form of obfuscation. (See above). He may refuse to discuss these issues with her when she tries to do so, and he may become angry with her if they do wind up dicussing these issues. When someone verbally says yes or promises something but then actually does not do what he said he would do or breaks his promise, that is actually a BIG NO. This is often very painful and disappointing for the woman (or man) on the recieving end of this behavior, because it also then becomes a trust issue, and over time it becomes a mutuality issue and a character issue.
How do we know when a request is really a demand? We know it is a demand when there are punishing consequences delivered by the “requestor”–or in this case the Demander to the person who says no, or who does not “comply” with the demand, or who “defies” the demand. Or when the person making the demand becomes extremely angry if the demand is not met.
A man who says “You defied me!” is revealing in his choice of words that he actually believes that whatever his request to his partner was that was not carried out–was not a choice for the partner–but was a demand to he; and that in his view, she is not free to say yes or no, but must obey his demand or he will provide the consequences of his anger, pouting, silencing, yelling, accusing, and character assassination. . The extent of anger in his response is the extent of punishment he chooses to give to her for failing to meet his demands, to which he believes he is entitled. This behavior is a CHOICE on his part. You can be sure he does not choose to behave in this way with his boss, on a job interview, or with someone for whom he has respect. He may withdraw, become silent, pout, yell at her, lash out at her, question or criticize her character, question her love for him, question her commitment to him, or say things like “My lover/partner should….”.
He may also use this as a way to try to justify something he did not do that he agreed to do, which is very, very different. If someone agrees to do something, they have agreed to do it. If someone makes a request of us to do something, we haven’t yet agreed or not agreed to it. These two things cannot be compared and should not be compared.
Let’s further examine this example: Instead of using the word “defied”, he could have said:
I felt disappointed that you _____________.
I felt frustrated that you ______________.
I felt annoyed that you _______________.
I felt resentful that you ________________.
I felt perplexed that you ______________.
I felt concerned that you _____________.
I felt suprised that you _____________.
I felt uncomfortable that you______________.
I felt sad when you__________.
But, instead, he angrily said, “You defied me!” What does this tell us about this man’s beliefs about his power and control in this relationship?
If the woman to whom he said this finds his revealed and demonstrated beliefs that he seems to think he rightfully has certain amounts of power and control over her self-expression, freedom, and dignity; what kind of emotional response might she have? Some words that come to mind are: outraged, scared, bewildered, alarmed, appalled, guarded, bereaved, disheartened, and/or detached. If her idea of their relationship and the relationship she knows she agreed to have with him includes a healthy power-sharing agreement, she will wonder who this man is who thinks he can have these beliefs and actually say this to her. She will wonder what he is thinking. She may question his mental health at that moment and wonder if he hit his head on something recently. She will have a sense that they do not share the same reality, but that they live in two very different realities; which can be a very jarring experience. She will be outraged beyond belief.
It is very similar to if an African-American were to get on a bus today in the 21st century and a busdriver told him or her that he or she had to sit in the back of the bus because of their race. There would be disbelief, outrage, and probably a very well-publicized lawsuit. It is also very similar to if a man kisses a woman and is then told by her shotgun-toting father that he is now obligated to marry his daughter. There would be disbelief, panic, and a sense of having been sent back in history in a time-machine against one’s will where there are expectations, laws, and rules to which one has not agreed of which one was unaware.
This is the kind of disorienting shock and utter outrage women experience when men attempt to gain power and control over them as opposed to sharing power with them using direct, mature, adult, clear, honest and healthy mutual agreement and communication skills about feelings and needs.</</em>
These are all forms of coercion and unhealthy uses of power and control with the intent to have power and control over her as opposed to relate to her in a healthy way in which both partners have freedom, choice, dignity, respect, and share power and control with each other. This is where it becomes extremely important for the emotional intelligence skill of reality-testing to be developed just as a muscle is developed during exercise and physical sport practice.
He is saying that her choice for her own reasons to do something else is NOT OKAY–and he is not interested in connecting with her respectfully to understand why she has said, not said, done, or not done–that is causing him to respond with his own anger, hurt, and feelings of unmet needs. He is not interested in her experience, her reality, or her feelings. He is only interested in the fact that his demand was not met, and he feels that his needs were not met. And, if he is angry, we know from NVC that he is feeling that an important need of his was not met. The extent of his anger will determine the depth of his feeling(s) or his experience of his unmet need(s). The extent of his anger and his beliefs about what his feelings and needs are, will be directly determined by how developed his emotional intelligence skills are. Is he reality-testing his beliefs? Is he a reasonable person? Does he have empathy for those around him? How is his self-regard affecting how he experiences the world?
An example of an integrated use of NVC and Emotional Intelligence Skills is below:
His other choice would be to say to his girlfriend, “I’m feeling disappointed that you are saying No to my request that you use words other than curse-words right now. This doesn’t meet my needs for order right now. However, I also know that I often curse in public; and I also have needs for fairness, mutuality, integrity, acceptance, and shared reality. As I remind myself of this, I realize now that we’ve talked about this, that those needs are much more important to me than my need for order right now. Also, I hear you telling me that you have very strong needs for mutuality, acceptance, self-expression, authenticity, integrity, self-acceptance, understanding, humor, relaxation, and consciousness; and I also acknowledge that you did not say the curse-word loudly and it’s probably true that no children heard it. And I also acknowledge because I have strong needs for integrity, mutuality, learning, and growth; that it’s true, as you have pointed out, that I frequently curse loudly in public–so I need to think carefully about why I would request a behavior from you that I don’t even expect from myself.
Only a person with a certain amount of self-awareness is capable of thinking this statement above either in his head to himself or of saying this statement out loud to his partner. In NVC, we call this checking in with ourselves and with others. In Emotional Intelligence, we call this emotional self-awareness. It would also be a use of empathy, interpersonal relationship, problem solving, reality-testing, flexibility, stress tolerance, and impulse control–all EI skills that can be developed and improved just as any other skill can be.
If we can learn to play musical instruments, learn foreign languages, and learn new computer programs, we can learn NVC, EI and sound conflict resolution skills.
When someone has very low self-esteem, as many abusers, gamers, seducers, and PUAs do; they will easily misinterpret the statements, non-statements, actions, and non-actions of others and erroneously experience them as personal slights or criticisms of themselves when they were not intended to be received that way at all. This kind of distorted thinking is a direct result of low-self-esteem, unresolved childhood wounds, and thus, under-developed emotional intelligence skills. The very good news is that all of this can be stopped, changed, and improved WITH WORK with an EI coach, therapist, or in a men’s group for non-violence training led by certified counselors in the domestic violence field. Emotional Intelligence skill-building is alot like working out; using skills to become aware of them, learn more about them, and develop them. Then, there is practicing them interpersonally with others in a supportive environment and with others in "real life".
Remember, with both feelings and needs, these say everything about those who have them and less about those meeting or not meeting the needs.
For example, here are some examples of people with needs for order and how they are personally expressed:
1. One person asks that his hands never touch another person's hands. If this interferes with one's life, as in the case of the fictional TV show character, Monk, we call this OCD.
2. Another person asks that her staff arrive before 9am each workday morning because this meets her need for order. She adds that if someone has a medical or childcare issue, she will be flexible about start-time, if possible.
3. Another person who happens to rule a nation, orders the execution of all people in one particular ethic group because this meets his need for order.
4. Yet another person who happens to lead a company says that he will start calling someone named Richard by the name "David" because Richard reminds the boss of his childhood friend, whose name was David and it's just easier for him this way. He states his needs are ease and order.
As we can see, our own feelings about things and our own rational thought-processes and belief systems about who we are in any given situation indicate a great deal about us and touch upon systemic issues having to do with power and control.
In example #1, we might decide this person has OCD or we might not; we really need more information.
In example #2, we would probably decide that this is a very average, normal boss with nothing unusual happening around this request.
In example #3, we seem to have a violent dictator, who believes that his needs for order are more important than others' needs to for safety, respect, air, food, dignity, freedom, and to be alive. I think it is safe to say that most people would question this dictator's sanity, accuse him of war-crimes, and perhaps consider him narcisstic. Although, it is important to point out that NVC itself does not use terms and labels like "narcissistic".
In example #4: We have a boss who believes that his needs for ease and order are more important than his employee's needs for dignity to be known, respect, clarity, and shared reality. This would most definitely be an example of abuse of power and workplace bullying.
Going back to the man who says his girlfriend "defied" him. What could his needs be? We can only guess without actually asking him. Let's say his request was that she use non-curse words at a particular outdoor event. Let's guess that his needs around this request are for order, the well-being of young children nearby, and participation.
In an effective NVC exchange, the conversation might have gone like this: Keep in mind that in NVC, we always have many choices about how to choose to do the following in order to do our best at communicating:
We have the choice to check in with ourselves to learn how we are really feeling and what we are really needing in any given moment.
We have the choice to check in with those around us and about whom we care to learn what they are feeling and needing.
We have the choice to question our immediate thoughts and feelings, and to ask ourselves if we are thinking in any distorted ways either out of habit, because of how our families mis-taught us something, because we don’t have all the information we need to draw a sound conclusion, or because we are having such very strong feelings at the moment that our IQ is very likely impaired.
We have the choice to not check in with someone we don’t care about and don’t wish to connect with about their feelings and needs or who we feel is somehow unsafe for us. We also have the choice to not check in with or connect with someone who has demonstrated that they do not value our feelings and needs.
We have the choice to learn, practice, and use as best we can the NVC communication model of observing, stating feelings, stating needs, making requests, and then drawing conclusions about how to best get our needs met based on responses to our requests: what those around us are willing or unwilling to do in response to our requests.
We have the choice to join a practice group and gradually learn, grow, practice and get support from others who share the same goals around non-violent communication, being authentic, and getting our needs met–though– not at the expense of anyone else’s needs being met.
Frequently in abusive relationships, abusers do not check in with themselves to learn their feelings and needs, and they rarely question their immeidate reactions: their thoughts and feelings. Abusers also tend to hold others responsible for their feelings and needs rather than taking responsibility for them themselves. They often just explode without fully understanding their feelings and needs, without considering that they may be mistaken, and without considering that they might be missing information or might be experiencing distorted thinking. AND they often explode without taking any responsibility for their feelings and thoughts or for how they communciate these to others. This is also a characterisitc of abusive bosses, co-workers, parents, friends, sports’ coaches, teachers, etc. The more actual authority (agreed upon and sanctioned power and control over someone or something) that a person who behaves in these ways truly has, the more damage is done to everyone involved in such a person’s abusive outbursts and misuses of authority.
Also, frequently in abusive relationships, abusers do not care what their partner’s feelings and needs are; they only care about their own feelings and needs and they very erroneously hold their partners responsible for their (the abuser’s) feelings and unmet needs. In NVC, we say that we are each responsible for our own feelings, for communicating our feelings and needs, and for getting our needs met in a way that does not prevent anyone else from getting their needs met and is not at anyone else’s expense.
This last part is very important. Many men who abuse power and control in relationships and can thus be called “abusers”–or who are PUAs, Gamers and Seducers– simply do not care about their partner’s feelings and needs. This means they have no or very low empathy for others. In EI terms, we would say they also have low social responsibility skills, low interpersonal relationship skills, low impulse control skills, low stress tolerance skills, low reality-testing skills, and low problem-solving skills. This is harmful to them as well as to others. I invite you all to learn about NVC and Emotional Intelligence to make your life easier, more joyful, more authentic, and less painful.
Or if these men do care about others’ needs, this concern is fleeting and only exists when they think their partner may be so fed up that she is leaving the relationship. It is at this point, when the abuser feels panicked and upset that he may lose her, that he suddenly starts to say and do things that may seem like he really cares about her feelings and needs.
However, we know that this is unfortunately probably not ACTUAL concern for her feelings and needs, but is more likely his own concern for HIS (yet again) feelings of loss and his need to be with her. So his responses are really more about HIS own feelings and needs than about her feelings and needs. I had a male friend once who told me that he saw men do this with their girlfriends, and he referred to it as “a man just trying to restore his pussy”. This may sound vulgar to some, but the point is, this kind of man in this situation will promise almost anything if he thinks he can hold onto the part of the woman he values most, which for most abusive men is his sexual relationship with her. What is unfortunate is that so many women mistake this for actual remorse and actual sincere promises of behavioral change, that they then choose to remain with the abusive man or return to him despite his previous mistreatment of her (and the near-definite likelihood of his future abusive treatement of her).
It is at this point, that he may promise that he will go to couples’ therapy, go to individual therapy, join an abusers’ counseling group, read certain books, learn certain skills, learn NVC, learn better conflict resolution skills, etc. Many times this is exactly what the abused partner (most frequently the woman) has wanted all along, so she may believe his promises and she may agree to not leave him or she may agree to return to the relationship with him. She may feel immense relief and want to believe that he really does love her and is willing to make these changes because he loves her. However, that reality is rarely the case without the intervention of a skilled domestic violence counseling group just for men that has taken place weekly over the course of at least a year. Statistics demonstrate that the men who are most likely to actually successfully change their abusive behavior and choose to never abuse again are young men in their twenties who have small children with their partners.
However, sadly, the abuser’s promises are often empty; he frequently will not even begin the things he said he would do–or he will begin some or all of them and then quit. He may agree to attend couples’ therapy but then quit after less than ten sessions. He may say he didn’t understand that it had to go on longer than that to be effective. He may say many things to make it seem like he didn’t consciously choose to make empty promises and deceive his partner into remaining in the relationship, but he actually did choose to make empty promises that he knew he didn’t really mean. This is just another form of being abusive, controlling, and manipulative. This is just another form of him caring about his own feelings and getting his own needs met at the expense of her needs. These kind of men need to be presented with legal contracts spelling out what they agree to and what they don’t, what they will do and what they won’t, and what is acceptable and what isn’t acceptable. Not very romantic or appealing is it?
Men who are abusive around issues of mutally agreed-upon sexual, emotional, and psychological fidelity will also make empty promises such as: never seeing “the other woman” again, having no further contact with her, no longer attending singles’ groups, no longer subscribing to emails about singles’ groups, never cheating again, not using pornography anymore, not using cyber-porn or having phone-sex with others, never violating the mutual agreements he has made with his partner, no longer belonging to or attending PUA groups, and/or attending therapy. Sadly, these are often (but not always) consciously chosen and spoken lies, manipulations, and empty promises that are eventually broken.
Another example of this is a man who is involved in an intimate relationship with a woman who makes it clear to him that she wishes to marry in her near future, while he knows he does not want that at all or with her or in the near future with anyone; yet he chooses not to tell her this. He is actively choosing to deceive her. This is lying by omission and is abusive. He is choosing to meet his need for companionship with no regard for the fact that he is doing this at the expense of her getting her needs met. He does not care for her feelings and needs as long as they get in the way of him getting his needs met.
The above is only one behaviorial example of someone who is narcissistic. We all have amounts of narcissism and there is a certain level of healthy narcissism in almost all of us, but there are also those with significant emotional and psychological wounds from childhood that have not been healed in therapy; and these people often develop unhealthy amounts of narcissism which result in their almost constant drive to get their needs met at the expense of others’ needs, and with absolutely no regard for the feelings and needs of those around them whom they regularly exploit.
The narcissist doesn’t see it this way. He doesn’t think he is exploiting anyone. He doesn’t think he has a personality disorder, and he doesn’t think he is abusive. Narcissists rarely have close long-term friendships because they haven’t learned how to give and take in relationships. They do have many superficial “friendships”, contacts, and aquaintances; but these are not sustained or sustainable because the narcissist only cares about these people to the extent that they can and will service him. He only cares about what they can do for him. Do they have a car to drive him places? Do they have credentials that impress him and make him feel good about himself by being associated with them? Do they please him sexually even when he “forgets” to please them? Often the people who do remain with narcissists longer than most others have their own boundary or self-esteem issues and wind up putting up with the narcissist/abuser continually pushing their boundaries even after they say NO to him repeatedly for longer than they wished they had. If and when these people ever do leave the narcissist, they will look back on the relationship and realize that they gave a great deal and that the narcissist took much more than he ever gave. They will probably resent this and feel very angry, used, and that they wasted their time with the narcissist. The learning here for such people is to not give so much until mutuality is established in a relationship with someone who demonstrates regularly over time that he is capable of it (mutuality), healthy power-sharing, sound conflict-resolution skills, and is able to take responsibility for his feelings, needs, and his expression of those.
We continue our imaginary conversation using NVC:
Him: I’m requesting that you please only use non-curse words at this event because there are some young kids over there who might hear you. This meets my needs for __________. I’m feeling ___________ when you do curse.
(Ideally, he would indicate to her what his feelings and needs are around this request as he makes the request, thereby taking responsibility for his own feelings and needs and clearly understanding that himself and making this clear to her as well). He would also clearly understand that his request is a request and not a demand, meaning she has a right to respond to his request with a yes or a no.
Her: I understand what you’re saying, but we’re outside in a public place, and I’ve been working all day. I’m not talking that loudly; and I have really strong needs tonight for relaxation, authenticity, and freedom. I only said one curse-word, “shit”, and I don’t think that is going to harm anyone who is out here at this event. It’s not like I’m cursing loudly or a lot.
(If he had communicated his feelings and needs, she could have responded to those with empathy while also stating her feelings and needs).
Here again is where they both have many communication choices and this conversation can go in many different directions:
He can understand that his request is merely that – a request – and that anyone always has the freedom to say yes or no to any request he ever makes, as is true for us all. In understanding this, he understands and also believes that she has the right and the freedom and the choice to say yes or no to his request. If he was studying NVC, he would also know that is she says “NO”, she is also saying “YES TO SOMETHING ELSE” and he could explore that with her.
In the case above, her YES TO SOMETHING ELSE could have been: “Okay, I will make an effort to not say one more curse-word if you also abide by this behavior, and if you cut me slack for having said “shit” once, let it go since you’ve never made this request of me before, and not make a big deal out of it. I’m feeling nervous because it feels like you’re about to make a big deal out of this, and I’m not interested in having a fight. I will gladly discuss this with you calmly, but I do not think it’s fair for you to get mad at me for saying “shit” once given that you say “fuck” regularly.”
Or, he can not understand that, and he can choose to believe (mistakenly) that she does not have the right to say yes or no to this or any request he ever makes. If he has this belief, and many men who abuse their partners do have this belief, he may react as though she does not have this right. He may react with anger. He may say something like, “You defied me!”
His interpretation of her or anyone’s “No” answer to any of his requests as “defiance”, indicates a great deal about his beliefs about and experiences of their relationship, the power between them in their relationship, and his (imagined) power over her in this situation (and perhaps in other situations). It also raises many red flags and concerns that he may be abusive and/or narcissistic.
In the example of Joe punching someone in the face repeatedly from an earlier post, we can only hope that the other person’s (the one being punched in the face by Joe) needs for safety and security are greater than their need for Joe’s company. However, as we know from what relationship abuse experts have taught us, those who abuse others are masters at manipulating their partners to stay so that they (the abusers) frequently succeed at getting their needs met (often at the expense of their abused partners) and frequently succeed in persuading the abused and exploited partner to return to the relationship with the use of apologies, consciously empty promises, and expressions of love.
Frequently, when a partner decides to leave an abusive man, she has decided and states that her needs for safety, security, respect, love, and harmony are more important to her than any enjoyment of anything she has ever had with this man (and there are often many good things she has enjoyed with this man, which makes this a very difficult and painful decision for her). She may also love him and have needs for fun, play, sex, friendship, and stimulation; however, all of us have many simultaneous needs which we are constantly priorititizing and re-ordering in any given moment.
Women who feel and are abused in relationships, frequently ultimately choose needs like safety and mutuality over needs like sex and fun–even when this choice is extremely painful, difficult, and she may be weakened from weeks, months, or years of trying to communicate with the abuser about her feelings and needs and the many ways in which he has repeatedly behaved in ways that have harmed her. His attempts to have unhealthy power and control over her, to punish her, and to control her finally have become unacceptable to her. Again, NVC teaches us that we can get our needs met in 10,000 ways, so this is a wonderful conclusion for such women to arrive at. If an abusive man is not meeting someone’s very important needs for safety, security, dignity, respect, trust, partnership, mutuality, friendship, etc., he can be left and all the other needs he may have met quite well, such as: fun, play, sexual expression, companionship, support, stimulation, etc., CAN BE MET ELSEWHERE for this woman! This is an important lesson for us all, not just for people doing their best to leave unhealthy relationships!
She has likely spent many hours reading self-help books, with therapists, writing him letters, talking with him, and pleading with him to learn what he is doing and why he is doing it–and to get him to see how it is harming her, him and both of them. She is most likely exhausted from this and very weary. She has also most likely lost some love, respect, and admiration for him as a person each time he has engaged in the unhealthy use of power-over and controlling behavior with her in their relationship. She is also probably extremely stressed out as his anger, rages, and disapprovals toward her have very likely come seemingly out of nowhere, have been unpredictable, and have shocked and hurt her deeply each time they’ve happened. She has reached a point where she feels like she is on eggshells, she is never sure what to expect from him, and she does not feel safe, whether she is consciously aware of this or not. She also feels shame that she is so strongly drawn to someone who has mistreated her so frequently. Women who experience this treatment from “white-collar” men, women who are highly educated, and women who are professionals themselves, feel additional shame; as they feel they should have known better. This is a useless judgment and a call for self-acceptance and self-empathy.
Most men who behave in ways that try to give themselves unhealthy power and control over their partners (as opposed to sharing power and control in a healthy way with their partners) often also behave in ways that their partners experience as kind, loving, fun, sensitive, respectful, and even empathic; and this is why the women stay as long as they do, accept apologies, and hope that it will remain “good” from there on in.
However, if there is any kind of abuse that emerges repeatedly as a pattern that begins to threaten the woman’s more important needs for safety, security, respect, love, and harmony (etc), this IS abusive, and she will often ultimately choose to leave the relationship.
The back and forth of the nice guy and the guy who engages in abusive behavior is called Intermittent Reinforcement. Some PUAs actually brag on their websites that they very consciously use Intermittent Reinforcement as a “technique” to keep women dating them or sleeping with them, which is reprehensible and abusive. The good times give the woman hope that he will stay kind to her and keep her coming back for this potential. The abusive times cause her to consider leaving, until he senses that he really may lose her, when he then consciously switches to behavior that appears to be kind, loving, apologetic, and promises changed behavior. This ultimately keeps the woman off-balance, and does very real harm emotional and psychological harm to her. The experts at the National Domestic Violence Hotline and Lundy Bancroft, a relationship abuse expert, point out that this “nice” behavior and the “nice” periods of behavior are ALSO ABUSIVE because he is only doing all he can to manipulate her into remaining in the relationship with him so he can continue to choose to exercise unhealthy power and control over her. That is all he wants and needs. As long as he is only concerned with meeting his needs and not at all with how he goes about doing this as well as with disregard for his partner’s needs, he is being abusive.
He would never admit this, he may not consciously believe this is true, and he himself may believe that he loves her and wants to have a happy and healthy relationship with her. However, as long as he refuses to acknowledge that his behavior is in fact, abusive, continues making excuses for it, continues blaming her for his reactions and abusive behaviors, obfuscates the facts, and refuses to enroll in a long-term men’s education group addressing issues of unhealthy power and control in relationships; he will likely never change, and he will likely never have healthy relationships.
Because many men who abuse their partners in any way (emotionally, psychologically, verbally, sexually, and/or physically) do not seem to believe that their partner’s needs are important or as important as their needs, they are often shocked or confused when she wants to leave. They say they don’t understand. They don’t believe they’ve been abusive. They don’t see their behavior as abusive.
These men will frequently point to times when their partners were so exasperated by the totality and cumulative outrageousness of his abusive behaviors that she herself yelled or screamed or cursed at him as an example of her having been abusive. For example, he may have raged at her many times and then asked and expected her to forgive him; but if she has reached a point where she cannot take his behavior anymore and then screams and rages at him once, he will say this is unforgiveable and she has been abusive. These men may even break up with their partners for something their partners have done once–even though these men have done the same thing or worse 8, 10, 15, or more times! What do we notice about this? No mutuality. No shared-reality. No integrity. No trust. No balance. No equality. No fairness.
Abusive men may even say she chose to stay with him so long, and if it was so bad, why did she do that? They refuse to acknowledge that they have made empty promises, have broken many promises, and have violated the trust their partner placed in them to behave in certain agreed upon ways. They will often also point to all the good things in the relationship (and there are likely many good things), and try to persuade the woman that because there were good things, he can’t possibly be abusive. This is another way to attempt to exert power and control over her by making her doubt her perceptions, her judgments, her feelings, her needs, her values, and her experiences.
When I mention her “values”, I don’t mean morals and ethics. I mean how she prioritizes her needs. All living things have needs. NVC teaches us this. If a woman decides that she has reached a point in a relationship with a man in which her needs for safety, love, security, well-being, respect, partnership, nurturing, trust, integrity, mutuality, etc. are not being met — even if her needs for fun, sex, play, companionship, etc. are being met; it is HER KNOWLEDGE OF HERSELF AND OF HER EXPERIENCES that allows her to determine which of her needs are most important to her. THIS IS WHY A WOMAN HERSELF KNOWS AND CAN DETERMINE WHEN SHE IS READY TO LEAVE SUCH A RELATIONSHIP, and why this man’s argument sounds ridiculous to her when he makes it. He is AGAIN having zero regard for her feelings and needs, and is AGAIN only caring about his own feelings and needs.
Many men who really do not care about their partners’ needs would say that is not true of them at all. They will point to examples of when they met their partners’ needs. They will say, “But what about this and this and this?”. And all of that may be true. What they neglect to acknowledge is that there has been a pattern of them doing any or all of the following:
1. Believing their requests of their partners are really demands to which they are entitled, and behaving accordingingly with punishing behaviors towards their partners for No responses.
2. The abusive partner promising or agreeing to attending counseling and then either not truly participating, not regularly attending, or quitting prematurely.
3. The abusive partner promising to care about his partner’s sexual needs and agreeing to meet them (saying Yes to her sexual requests) but then not doing what he said he would do, even as he demands and repeatedly requests that she meet his sexual needs and respond with Yesses to his sexual requests–and even when she repeatedly reminds and asks him for what she needs and wants sexually.
4. The abusive partner has behavioral expectations of his partner that he does not place on himself. This could be that he is “allowed” to curse in certain situations but she isn’t, that he is “allowed” to interrupt people but she isn’t, that he is “allowed” to be late but she isn’t. He may even argue that these things bother him but do not bother her, and attempt to completely ignore the coercive and abusive double-standard he is imposing on their relationship. Don’t let him do this; this is abusive. Tell him: “You have every right to think this way and I have every right to choose to not be in a relationship with a man who thinks this way. Goodbye.”
5. The abusive partner agrees to be fair with money, but then isn’t. He “forgets” that he owes her money, that she paid for dinner or the movie the last time, or that it’s his turn to pay for something.
6. The abusive partner believes that his upset, anger, hurt feelings, and perceptions are more immediate and more important than those of his partner or of anyone else.
7. The abusive partner doesn’t stop to question his thoughts and feelings or to process them; he doesn’t take responsibility for his thoughts and feelings and instead blames other people for their existence and is prone to sudden outbursts or long silences.
In short, it doesn’t matter how often he can point to examples of having seemed to care about his partner’s feelings and needs. When there is ALSO a pattern of him behaving abusively, ABUSE IS PRESENT regardless of how many “good times” there have been. Non-abusive behavior does not magically erase abusive beahvior!!! And ABUSE does not stop unless the abusive man is enrolled in a legitimate men’s education for non-violence group run by certified domestic violence counselors for several consecutive years and is able to acknowledge his abusive behavior.
In Conflict Resolution, we do our best to look at conflict as inevitable among humans and thus as an opportunity to get more information about the many possible solutions that exist and how anyone in the conflict can probably contribute to solutions. We also see the value of anger in conflict resolution and we encourage the examination of the thoughts behind ANGER, as well as the expression of it in responsbile ways. Again, we see anger as an important signal that something is happening that requires our attention–as well as an opportunity for constructive resolution via the use of emotional self-awareness and communication skills that we know are proven to have a great likelihood for a positive outcome for most involved.
The question, though, becomes more complex when we consider an individual’s emotional intelligence skills and abilities as a measure of their capabilities in stressful, anxiety-producing, fearful, threatening situation–or in situations in which their self-esteem or masculinity is or seems threatened as well as in any situation in which they have a strong emotional reaction to a sense of not having their needs met.
For example:
1. A six year-old child says a curse-word and is told he is not allowed to say that. He becomes angry and throws a tantrum. This is age-appropriate, so while unpleasant, it is understandable and does not indicate any mental health disturbance. If we want to describe this in NVC terms, we’ll say that the child’s needs for self-expression and freedom are conflicting with the parent’s needs for consideration and respect. Through empathic dialogue, this child and parent can resolve this conflict, and there can be learning on both sides for the future.
2. A forty year-old man doesn’t like the curse-word expressed by his girlfriend. He becomes very angry and expresses his anger by stating that she has “defied” him. This is not age-appropriate, and is, in fact, controlling, manipulative, and abusive. Linguistically, his choice of the word, “defied” indicates that he believes she is somehow required to obey him. This distorted thinking also may indicate a mental health disturbance or a substance abuse problem. At the very least, it indicates that this man believes his girlfriend does not have freedom of speech and does not have the same freedoms he affords himself.
Another similar example: a forty year-old man dosen’t like a thought or opinion his girlfriend expresses in conversation, and he angrily yells and sneers at her, “That’s ridiculous!” He then flies into a rage that lasts over 40 minutes, during which he distorts what she has said to him, he doesn’t listen to her attempts to calm him down, and he flails his hands and arms widly; she is frightened. This also is controlling, manipulative, and abusive behavior.
If we want to describe the two above situations in NVC terms, we might say that the woman’s needs for freedom, independence, self-expression, understanding, authenticity, partnership, mutuality, and safety, are not being met in these interactions. It is hard to know what needs of the man are not being met, but we can only guess that perhaps he feels insecure in response to the woman’s expressions, and so his needs for security are not being met.
It is extremely important to clearly understand that our needs being met or not met is all about US; not about others. So, if someone has a need for security that manifests as people not freely expressing themselves, that person may find that this need of his causes him many difficulties; just as, perhaps an autistic child’s need for total silence during part of the day causes an entire family to tiptoe around that child. With autistic children, this is certainly undertandable; but with healthy adults, while we want to try to understand this, we also need to ask each adult to be responsible, reasonable, fair and to truly consider whether his needs are being expressed as demands and whether the fulfillment of his needs are preventing others from having their needs met.Let’s add to this story and say that the 40 year-old man often curses and often curses loudly in public. How will his request that his girlfriend not curse because children might hear probably be experienced by her?
If she has needs for mutuality, integrity, shared reality, freedom, and self-expression; she will probably feel that his reqest is unreasonable. If his request (that she views as unreasonable) is not presented by him or thought of by him as a request, but as a DEMAND; there will probably be a very ugly conflict unless both parties are very skilled and practiced at using sound NVC or other conflict resolution communication methods. However, a person skilled in NVC would not make a demand of someone else that he does not also make of himself unless he were dealing with a child. Even if only the woman is skilled at practicing NVC and conflict resolution skills, she may easily and understandbly become de-skilled as she experiences outrage at his unhealthily controlling behavior and his abusive demands.
This is where NVC becomes profound. Even without using terms and labels like “abusive”, we can easily see how the woman might say to him, I have very strong needs for independence, self-expression, understanding, authenticity, partnership, mutuality, and safety. Your belief that my exercising my freedom to do something that you and I both understand and allow you to exericse, is “defying” you does not meet my very important needs; so I will choose to not be your girlfriend anymore.
Similarly, he can say to her, “My need for you to obey me and your choice to not obey me, makes me not want you as my girlfriend anymore”. (NOTE: “obey” is not really a “need”, but I’m unable to accurately guess what the real need for the man in this situation is.)
This reminds me of an Oprah show from years ago, wherein a woman was in a relationship with a man in which the man increasingly engaged in behaviors in order to have power over her, as opposed to mutually, peacefully, and respectfully sharing power with her. After one terrible fight during which she was feeling emotionally, psychologically, and physically exhausted and depleted; he put a muzzle used for dogs on the table. He said, “If you want to stay in this relationship, you will put this on and only speak when I say you can.” And the woman was so abused, so hooked in, so manipulated, so depleted, so exhausted and so worn down; that she did. She remained with this man for many years. On the Oprah show, Oprah asked him if he loved this woman, and he said, “No”. This was a wake up call for this abused woman, and is a stark example of how abuse can and will erode a woman’s self-esteem until she is no longer herself and no longer has the energy or will to even try to protect herself against abusive behavior in any form.
This is how people make conscious choices based on awareness of feelings and needs. It is often difficult for women to recognize abuse when the abuse is not overtly physical and is more subtle. Women will say to themselves, “But nobody is perfect” and “I know I’m not always perfect” and “He’s so wonderful the rest of the time” and “I really love him and want this to work out”. However, over time, abusive men tend to increase their abusive behavior in both frequency and severity; and it begins to become more and more unpredictable which exhausts, stresses out, depresses, and take a serious toll on the abuser’s partner. She will become increasingly unhappy, depressed, and confused; and her health will probably be adversely impacted.
Ofcourse, when we add issues of power and control as well as issues of how some people experience and interpret events, it can become more and more difficult to avoid labels like narcissistic, abusive, or suspected of substance-abusing.
I would like to see NVC taught in every year of school from kindergarten to the senior year of college as mandatory. I would like to see Emotional Intelligence testing done annually on all grades from 1-12. I would like to see sound conflict resolution methods taught mandatorily to all grades from K to 12. I would also like to see NVC, Emotional Intelligence, and sound conflict resolution be mandatory trainings in all workplaces.
There is an extremely important opportunity for human relations and for the elimination of abuse in relationships (which has devastating effects on all involved, but especially on children) when people LEARN that THEY are responsible for their own feelings and needs, for their thoughts that influence their feelings and needs, and for how they attempt to get those needs met and whether or not they are doing this in ways that respect others’ feelings and needs or not.
The point about thoughts influencing feelings is very key and an important point in Emotional Intelligence. If Adolf believes that Jews are the cause of his nation’s problems and his personal misery, he will feel hatred for them and he will believe he has a need for them to be exterminated. However, if Adolf begins to examine his Emotional Intelligence, using the EQi, for example, he will look honestly at his:Self-Regard
Emotional Self-Awareness
Assertiveness
Independence
Self-Actualization
Empathy
Social Responsibility
Interpersonal Relationship Skills
Stress Tolerance
Impulse Control
Reality Testing
Problem-Solving Abilities
Optimism
Happiness
In doing this, he may also learn to reality-test some of his thoughts. . Perhaps he is mistaken about the causes of his nation’s problems and his own misery; perhaps the Jews are not to blame at all. Perhaps he has unresolved wounds from his childhood. He can learn that he has problem-solving abilities other than those courses of action he has been considering. As he learns that his emotional intelligence abilities are actual emotional and cognitive muscles that he can work out and improve, he will realize that he has many other options for getting his needs met. As he allows himself to question his feelings and needs and to consider other options, he will realize that his feelings and needs change.
Similarly, imagine if all the PUAs, Gamers, and Seducers realized that they have other skills and options that are healthy and fun as opposed to destructive, scheming, and expensive. Imagine that these men learn that women are not to blame for their unpleasant feelings and that women are not deserving of their manipulative behaviors.
In NVC, we say that we always have 10,000 ways to get our needs met, so if we find that we are not getting our needs met, we just need to identify our needs, understand them, and then think of the 9,999 other ways we can get them met other than the failed strategy we have been trying. Have you been banging your head against a wall in a relationship, job, with friends, or family? Have you been trying the same failed strategies to get your needs met? How about checking in with yourself to really understand what your feelinsg are and what needs those feelings are connected to? How about now thinking about the 9,999 ways in which you can get those needs met other than the failed strategy you’ve been trying?
Imagine what a different world it would be if Hitler, Pol Pot, Stalin, Hussein, and Kim Jong Ill had been able to learn NVC and work on developing their Emotional Intelligence muscles to understand their feelings, reality-test their thoughts, and then find ways of meeting their needs that did not harm anyone or prevent others from having their needs met!
Imagine what a different world it would be if PUAs, Gamers, Seducers, and men who have needs to have power-over women instead of mutually shared power-with women–would be willing and able to learn NVC and work on developing their Emotional Intelligence muscles to understand their feelings, reality-test their thoughts, and then find ways of meeting their needs that did not harm anyone or prevent others from having their needs met!
These are very important issues. There are whole other paralllel applications of these concepts in which these very same concepts can relate to workplace abuse (which also has to do with people seeking to have unhealthy power and control over others–even when there is agreed-upon and legitimate authority present in the workplace relationship), abuse in families, abuse on sports teams, abuse in congregational groups, and abuse among “friends”; and those articles are forthcoming.
It is also true that our EI, NVC, and sound conflict resolution skills can be easily transferred to our lives and relationships in our workplaces. PUAs, Gamers, Seducers, and other men who engage in behavior that intends to have power-over others as opposed to seeking to mutually share power with others, also have an opportunity to look at how their beliefs, behaviors, and current relating skills ultimately help or hinder them at work or in other social and relationship situations–with friends, with family members, with aquaintances, etc.
Again, there is ENORMOUSLY Good News here! We all have the tools available to us to CHOOSE to IMPROVE our ability to reality-test our thoughts, to check in with ourselves and observe what we feel in response to anything or anyone, to learn how our feelings are directly connected to our needs, to practice emotional intelligence and NVC skills, and to improve our sound conflict resolution skills.
Please contact me at Denise@LoveAndWorkCoach.com if you would like coaching sessions around EI, conflict resolution, communication, dating and relating, or workplace issues.
Please stay tuned and please email me your comments!
Thank you,
Denise
Denise A. Romano, MA, EdM earned an EdM in Counseling Psychology and an MA in Organizational Psychology both from Columbia Univeristy. She has also received training from Victims’ Services in NYC and from the MEN’S Education for Non-Violence Program at the Genesee Hospital in Rochester, NY to work with men who were court-ordered to attend counseling sessions due to criminal acts of violence against their intimate partners.
Denise also completed a counseling internship in NYC working with client-residents of a Substance Abuse Therapeutic Community. Denise is also a Certified Coach and is Certified in the administration of Emotional Intelligence assessments: the EQi and the EQ360. Denise is not a Certiifed NVC Trainer, however she is actively learning and practicing NVC whenever it is possible and safe to do so. Denise’s new book for HR/OD Professionals will be available in the Spring of 2010.
This article may be reprinted, re-posted, and reproduced as long as written permission is requested via email at Denise.Romano@gmail.com and remains intact with the bio above and full credit to Denise A. Romano, MA, EdM.
