Welcome to Denise Romano’s EQ Blog~


EQ is Emotional Intelligence.

We use it all the time in our lives. It isn’t just about the external way we communicate such as tone of voice, choice of words, facial expressions and how “polite” we are. It begins in our minds. Our feelings are directly influenced by our thoughts.

Many of us have had the experience of having our feelings about a situation change once we get new information. Consider that you read in the newspaper a story of a house that burned down. Your first emotional reaction is in response to this information, and you think “what a terrible thing”.

Then you may read that the police suspect the house has burned down because of arson. Then you may feel angry at whoever set the fire.

Then you may read that the person who the police suspect in the arson is a mentally disabled person with the IQ of a six-year old. You may then feel angry at whoever was responsible for watching the mentally disabled person who set the fire, and you no longer feel anger at the person who set the fire.

Then, you may read that the grandmother of the mentally disabled person who set the fire was watching him, but she had a stroke and died, so he was left alone, frightened, and confused. Then, you may not feel angry at all. You may just feel sad for all involved.

What can we learn from this?

We can learn that frequently our emotional reactions are in response to only some of the facts or are in response to incorrect assumptions. If we have a strong feeling, we want to make sure we have all the facts before we react or take any action. Otherwise, we risk not having all the facts and having a mistaken reaction that might be completely different than if we had all the facts.

We generally call “not having all the facts” a MISUNDERSTANDING. In fact, misunderstandings are the cause of many conflcits between friends, siblings, co-workers, spouses, and among other family members.

That is why it is so important to make sure we aren’t misunderstanding something before we react.

How many families do you know who have huge emotional reactions to things they think are true, but are actually misunderstandings? How many times have you had an intense emotional reaction to something only to find out later that you misunderstood something or didn’t have all the facts? What happened? Did your thoughts and feelings change once you got more information?

That is the value of being able to breathe through strong emotions, not react immediately, set aside the strong feelings, tell yourself you may not have a complete understanding of the situation, and be able to truly listen to the other person.

How many of us can do this? How many of us learned how to do this growing up? 1%? 2%? Not many of us learned this growing up.

The really great news is that we’ve learned over decades how to resolve conflicts in a healthy and fair manner. The challenging news is that most of us have learned the exact opposite of the skills needed to resolve a conflct in a fair and healthy manner.

So, we all need to unlearn what we’ve learned while growing up, going to school, and watching TV, and begin to learn the ways of conflict resolution that we know work.

This is not easy, as once we become angry or annoyed or overwhelmed with other strong emotions, we immediately and instinctively revert back to our default conflict style, which is the one we’ve grown up with. So, we have to practice the ways we know that work. We have to take a deep breath and remind ourselves to use the new ways we’ve learned and to not just let our fuse light up and explode like a firecracker or a neutron bomb.

When you get angry, do you stew silently, blow up, or do something else? We all have our own unique conflicts styles and anger responses. It is a good idea to become familiar with yours.

What does conflict resolution have to do with Emotional Intelligence? A great deal.

The more emotionally intelligent we are, the more we are able to bring self-awareness, assertiveness, flexibility, and empathy to the conflict resolution process.

Imagine a world in which all families practice and teach sound conflict resolution skills and work to develope emotional intelligence! Imagine a world in which schools do the same thing! Imagine a world in which temples, mosques, and churches also teach EQ and sound conflict resolution skills! Imagine how much healthier families, schools, friendships, love partnerships, marriages, and workplaces would be!

What can you do to improve your conflict resolution skills and to further develop your Emotional Intelligence skills?

Visit LoveAndWorkCoach.com to see what Denise can offer you. www.LoveAndWorkCoach.com

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About Denise A Romano

Denise A Romano is the author of The HR Toolkit: An Indispensable Resource for Being a Credible Activist, published by McGraw Hill in 2010. She is a workplace expert and has a strong interest in government, business, workplace, and personal ethics. She can be found on LinkedIn. View all posts by Denise A Romano

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